Danahnahnahnahnahnahnah - ANXIETY GIRL!

Self-portrait

If you were wondering where I have been, well the above might assist.

I've been lost in the wilderness. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the light = binge watching Mad Men and movies.

What grinds my gears #2 - Office speak

Sometimes I feel like screaming out loud in meetings: for the love of some-deity-held-up-high-by-people-who-either-don't-know-any-better-or-need-something-to-believe-in-or-they-wouldn't-get-out-of-bed-in-the-mornings, do you speak-a da Ingrish?

The English language - now we can all agree that we 'like this'. It gets a thumbs up. It's an important social tool. But its a mongrel's language. With 1000s of words and phrases being accepted into its all-encompassing, "everyone is welcome here" lexicon each year, it's clear that most people don't make much sense anymore.

I'm a little strumpet

But office speak is really starting to wear me down.

The main offenders:

'Going forward' - as opposed to getting into the time machine of your choosing - TARDAS (baby boomers), DeLorean-branded flux capacitor (Gen X/80s baby), Time Turner (Gen Y/those with a fetish for Daniel Radcliffe), and travelling backwards through the space-time continuum?

This term means from today to some point in the future. Suitably vague for its purposes. The term is widely used in annual reports and other corporate statements. The term has become increasingly popular over the last three years and I even use it. But don't think I don't hate myself!

Generally its addition to a sentence is neither here nor there but hey, may as well add it anyway!

'Talk to the slides' - Yes, you better talk to the slides, because the people, the actual human beings listening to you dribble out your oral presentation, well they ain't listening. Nossirreee.

This term is used during presentations to assure the audience that they probably don't need to write much down, because you are just going to stick to the material in the slides. This phrase is on the rise as well. Quite frankly, it is 'tarded.

'I'll take the paper as read' - Well gee, you wouldn't want people to actually read things before they made important decisions, would you?

This term is used at the start of an oral presentation to really say something without saying much. It is a sentence which exercises the mouth fully in all directions. Baked-on drool tendons break off and clear the path for words of a more interesting nature to flow out of the speaker's mouth. At least, we can only hope. This one is s futile as dear Liza's bucket being used to fight a raging stove fire.

'Drill-down'- an ode to oil that essentially means we will look at this in detail, actually think about it, actually do work. In fact, I'm not sure what you are doing if you don't drill down.

This term is used in meetings to convince people you are looking at the issue.

'Paradigm shift' - ooh ahh someone has changed their mind. That's nice.

This term is used in reports to show changes but is often used when 'shift' by itself is apt.

'Touch base' - means to contact or speak with. "John - let's touch base about this issue next week." Or you could say let's discuss next week, let's talk about this. FFSSSSSS!

'Push back' - this is a nice way of saying this argument is pretty shit so let's tell them that they've got to try a little harder. Bring it. Usually a term used internally.

Anything else?

What grinds my gears #1 - People who don't use ':' when referring to time.

When hair was big and jeans were small, a Casio digital wristwatch was your average and (above-average) teenage boy's must-have fashion item:

Along with a signed EP of Onion Skin by Boom Crash Opera, a life-sized poster of Elisabeth Shue and a videotape containing at least 4 eps of the Henderson Kids.

Those were the days.

Perhaps that is why we are faced with our present crisis situation. With the increasing popularity of quality, Swiss-engineered timepieces from the likes of Tissot, Omega, Longines and TAG Heuer, we have seen a resultant decrease in people's ability to tell time when it is to be written in digital form.

Forget the GFC. Forget global warming. We need to focus on this digital time-telling crisis!

WTF I hear you say?

Well - if its quarter to 7 at night-time (that's post merediem to time officionados), you should write down the following: 6:45pm or 18:45.

Writing down 6.45 or 18.45 is NOT acceptable.

6 point 45 or 18 point 45 what? Dollars and cents? Percent? On the Richter Scale? Score on hot or not? How many times you've slipped one in since lunch?

No, you fiend.

Use the colon. Indeed, Eddie Murphy at the start of Delirious said that the key to life is a healthy colon. I tend to agree.

Liberal colon usage - creating joy everywhere.

And if you want to be even more spot on, feel free to double-barrel colon your way through the hours, minutes and seconds.

Pour la victoire = 18:57:13.