And the Oscar goes to...

That's it. You've got it in one. It's time for some Oscar love:

I have a passion for hot, dripping, smelly refuse.

Not that Oscar. The other one – the Little Golden Guy.

So shiny, so Terminator II like...

As you all know, the 81st Academy Awards are just a few weeks away. Boy I love this time of year – I go out and see a swathe of movies and engage in lively debates about whether the plot is exquisite/bleak/honest and whether the characters are ridiculous/engaging/boring/downright idiotic.

My sheer ability to turn the spotlight on the hard hitting cinematic issues can sometimes put David and Margaret to shame.*

I must say, in this the Year of the Ox, there is very little to be excited about with very few hard-fought contests on the cards. Indeed, most of the major categories have clear frontrunners. This had led to speculation of a downturn in the ratings (might be something more to do with the personality (or lack there of) of the host, Spew Hackman).

Go Ellen, go Ellen, go Ellen!

That said, I think that some categories have two stand outs, which may ­rather ironically ­- split the vote and allow a Steven Bradbury-esque performance to transpire. Or at least I can wish.

Now, firstly a few points of irritation regarding the Academy’s glaring omissions.

1. Why the feck were The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road and The Wrestler all left off the Best Picture nomination list? And what about Wall-E? Defamer thought it would be a two-horse race between Wall-E and T.D.K. – sorry, but you could not have been further from the truth. Much to the collective dismay of all and sundry.

2. Why the feck was Clint Eastwood snubbed for the chance of a Best Actor gong for Gran Torino? Unbelievable! I suspect that Ken Bruce was involved. And Franco Cozzo. Perhaps even Frank Walker?

3. Why the feck (you are seeing the pattern here, right?) was Chris Nolan left off the Best Director list? The Dark Knight IMHO was beautifully directed. Hollywood - you have a lot to answer for. Nolan is DESERVING. Is there a cataclysmic tear in the space-time continuum that I don’t know about?

What are you insinuating there?

What does warm my cold little heart is that Kate Winslet is more than likely to be the recipient of a gold statue for Best Actress for the very first time. It's hard to believe that not one of her previous performances – particularly, Titanic and Eternal Sunshine... – have been duly recognised for what they are – Oscar-winning! Helen Sea-Hunt and Hilary Skank-Whore saw to it that Kate walked away empty handed, respectively.

But not this time, the lovely Kate will triumph over adversity. She will beat the pants off the two buxom brunettes:

Not without visual appeal

And nudge out the two vivacious veterans:

Insert pithy, jocular comment here...

To become the WINNER:

It’s all so easy for you to say

Time will tell. It always does. Telling time, on the other hand. That's a different story.

Now to the other categories. My tips are underlined. Who I want to win are in italics.

Best actor
· Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor” (Overture Films)
· Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon” (Universal)
· Sean Penn in “Milk” (Focus Features)
· Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
· Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight) (CLINT, CLINT!!)

Best supporting actor
· Josh Brolin in “Milk” (Focus Features)
· Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder” (DreamWorks, Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
· Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.)
· Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage)

Best supporting actress
· Amy Adams in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (The Weinstein Company)
· Viola Davis in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
· Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight)

Best director
· “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Fincher
· “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Ron Howard (well not really, the LGG should go to Nolan)
· “Milk” (Focus Features), Gus Van Sant
· “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Stephen Daldry
· “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Danny Boyle

Best picture
· “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), A Kennedy/Marshall Production, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
· “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), A Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment and Working Title Production, Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers
· “Milk” (Focus Features), A Groundswell and Jinks/Cohen Company Production, Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers (should be the THE DARK KNIGHT but amongst this drivel, I choose calcium)
· “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Anthony Minghella, Sydney Pollack, Donna Gigliotti and Redmond Morris, Producers
· “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), A Celador Films Production, Christian Colson, Producer

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* Lies, all lies.