What grinds my gears #2 - Office speak

Sometimes I feel like screaming out loud in meetings: for the love of some-deity-held-up-high-by-people-who-either-don't-know-any-better-or-need-something-to-believe-in-or-they-wouldn't-get-out-of-bed-in-the-mornings, do you speak-a da Ingrish?

The English language - now we can all agree that we 'like this'. It gets a thumbs up. It's an important social tool. But its a mongrel's language. With 1000s of words and phrases being accepted into its all-encompassing, "everyone is welcome here" lexicon each year, it's clear that most people don't make much sense anymore.

I'm a little strumpet

But office speak is really starting to wear me down.

The main offenders:

'Going forward' - as opposed to getting into the time machine of your choosing - TARDAS (baby boomers), DeLorean-branded flux capacitor (Gen X/80s baby), Time Turner (Gen Y/those with a fetish for Daniel Radcliffe), and travelling backwards through the space-time continuum?

This term means from today to some point in the future. Suitably vague for its purposes. The term is widely used in annual reports and other corporate statements. The term has become increasingly popular over the last three years and I even use it. But don't think I don't hate myself!

Generally its addition to a sentence is neither here nor there but hey, may as well add it anyway!

'Talk to the slides' - Yes, you better talk to the slides, because the people, the actual human beings listening to you dribble out your oral presentation, well they ain't listening. Nossirreee.

This term is used during presentations to assure the audience that they probably don't need to write much down, because you are just going to stick to the material in the slides. This phrase is on the rise as well. Quite frankly, it is 'tarded.

'I'll take the paper as read' - Well gee, you wouldn't want people to actually read things before they made important decisions, would you?

This term is used at the start of an oral presentation to really say something without saying much. It is a sentence which exercises the mouth fully in all directions. Baked-on drool tendons break off and clear the path for words of a more interesting nature to flow out of the speaker's mouth. At least, we can only hope. This one is s futile as dear Liza's bucket being used to fight a raging stove fire.

'Drill-down'- an ode to oil that essentially means we will look at this in detail, actually think about it, actually do work. In fact, I'm not sure what you are doing if you don't drill down.

This term is used in meetings to convince people you are looking at the issue.

'Paradigm shift' - ooh ahh someone has changed their mind. That's nice.

This term is used in reports to show changes but is often used when 'shift' by itself is apt.

'Touch base' - means to contact or speak with. "John - let's touch base about this issue next week." Or you could say let's discuss next week, let's talk about this. FFSSSSSS!

'Push back' - this is a nice way of saying this argument is pretty shit so let's tell them that they've got to try a little harder. Bring it. Usually a term used internally.

Anything else?

What grinds my gears #1 - People who don't use ':' when referring to time.

When hair was big and jeans were small, a Casio digital wristwatch was your average and (above-average) teenage boy's must-have fashion item:

Along with a signed EP of Onion Skin by Boom Crash Opera, a life-sized poster of Elisabeth Shue and a videotape containing at least 4 eps of the Henderson Kids.

Those were the days.

Perhaps that is why we are faced with our present crisis situation. With the increasing popularity of quality, Swiss-engineered timepieces from the likes of Tissot, Omega, Longines and TAG Heuer, we have seen a resultant decrease in people's ability to tell time when it is to be written in digital form.

Forget the GFC. Forget global warming. We need to focus on this digital time-telling crisis!

WTF I hear you say?

Well - if its quarter to 7 at night-time (that's post merediem to time officionados), you should write down the following: 6:45pm or 18:45.

Writing down 6.45 or 18.45 is NOT acceptable.

6 point 45 or 18 point 45 what? Dollars and cents? Percent? On the Richter Scale? Score on hot or not? How many times you've slipped one in since lunch?

No, you fiend.

Use the colon. Indeed, Eddie Murphy at the start of Delirious said that the key to life is a healthy colon. I tend to agree.

Liberal colon usage - creating joy everywhere.

And if you want to be even more spot on, feel free to double-barrel colon your way through the hours, minutes and seconds.

Pour la victoire = 18:57:13.

In celebration of my book on clichés

Hehehe.

Oh Julie. Least you jumped before you were pushed.

So you think you can dance... again?

Well I know I can dance, what about you?

Season 2 is here. Everybody: Season 2 is here. MUMMMMMMMMMMM Season 2 is HEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Contrived crap if I ever saw it.

And as much as Jason kept saying Season 1 was about setting the benchmark and Season 2 is about raising it, I just can't see how that could possibly happen. Not only do we have recycled contestants (Blow Job, Gee-ahn and Chanel no 5), we have an excess supply of hip hoppers! I like hip hop very much, oh yes I do, but come ON. Lleyton is quaking in his boots about this.

Bonnie had clearly hit the pre-show entertainment bucket of thrills, spills and pills. And Jason is probably going to struggle to keep it in his pants this series as it is like he is looking at a Man in the Mirror when it comes to Danny, the-only-gay-in-the-Broken-Hill-village:

OK ok...

I know that was a bit of a:

Looong bow

But I am very busy at my place of employ and so my creative juices are not flowing like an extra juicy Starburst.

To the performances:

• Contemporary is drawn by Pania. (what kind of name is that - sound likes a Spanish herbed bread). Pania partners up with Ben. The praise is lavished from the judges after their turn on the d-floor to the Presets. As jaded as I am, this made me think about smiling.
• Then we have cha-cha. Emmanuel from a country town near you is partnered with Talia. Emmanuel has some seriously grotesque facial expressions - some moves clearly called for some serious strain, either that or he had passed a smidgen of stool or even worse, he suddenly remembered he left the iron on. This performance was more of a mild boring.
• Ooh lyrical. My fav. We have Lamb and Timomatic... the resident ovine pocket rocket and the-guy-from-Canberra-who-thinks-if-you-soup-up-the-name-Tim-it-sounds-a-hell-of-a-lot-cooler. Next!
• Broadway. Are those band aids over your nipples Amy or am I in an emergency ward? And Dad - bless - he likes to watch. Damien is quite the dark, brooding, boring burger. He'll be out the door in the next two weeks for sure.
• Rumbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Stephen and girl with superfluous hyphen: Ash-leigh. What a contrived performance. What a contrived pash. I could create a steamier scene with a brick!
• A hip to the hop with Penny (aka I always end sentences with an upward inflection) and Charlie (aren't you just adorable?). STARS. Although the contact lenses were a bit OTT. Ugh.
• Lyrical-alicious with Kat and Danny. Clear that these cool cats are the team to beat (c.f. what the judges said about Penstar and Charlstar above). In true predatory style, Kat tried to catch flies on her tongue. Danny was just mmm hmmm mmmm - Jason had to change his underwear afterwards. And then the song - David Lynch meets base reality TV - I like it, I really do.
• YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNN for the MGMT explosion - ugh. Max and Jesse - OMG WTF FFS etc etc.
• Then we have B(low)J(ob) and his partner Gianne up to do some quick step. It was very good. I must say, I did grow fond of Mr Fellatio in the Top 100 part of Season 1. It's good to have you back kid. No tears please.
• Jazz-a-razz-a with our two Clockwork Orange donned dancers - Chanelle and Loredo. My the film noir cinema industry must be tonight's (un)proud sponsor! So there was no slinky because Ms Perfume kept dropping L on his head - poor lamb. He conked his head several times. Hope there was no permanent damage!

Bottom 3 couples = Max and Jesse; Stephen and Ash-leigh; and Emmanuel and Talia. I think its curtains for M&J. Their performance was downright scary.

No matter how hard you try, you'll never be as scary as me.

Boom shake shake shake the room.

Nadal won and it's all Nic's fault::(

I like the stimulation but otherwise...

Yes, that's right. I liked K-Rudd's stimulation package, particularly the part about it being related to your 2007-08 income. Mmmm yum yum.

Otherwise, life just is blurgh today. I know I should be happy - particularly because I ticked a few items off my list titled 'products I would like to purchase', and of course, the usual things to be happy about - I have wit, I have charm, I have brains, I have legs that go all the way to the floor my friend.

But I can't help but feel that a stranger has f\/cked me up the arse... in fact, I am desperate to check to see if a big fat guy has used a crow bar to smash up my shiny vehicle.

My feelings:


But out of darkness a new dawn will emerge - tomorrow I will be blogging about sunshine and rainbows. Just you wait.

And the Oscar goes to...

That's it. You've got it in one. It's time for some Oscar love:

I have a passion for hot, dripping, smelly refuse.

Not that Oscar. The other one – the Little Golden Guy.

So shiny, so Terminator II like...

As you all know, the 81st Academy Awards are just a few weeks away. Boy I love this time of year – I go out and see a swathe of movies and engage in lively debates about whether the plot is exquisite/bleak/honest and whether the characters are ridiculous/engaging/boring/downright idiotic.

My sheer ability to turn the spotlight on the hard hitting cinematic issues can sometimes put David and Margaret to shame.*

I must say, in this the Year of the Ox, there is very little to be excited about with very few hard-fought contests on the cards. Indeed, most of the major categories have clear frontrunners. This had led to speculation of a downturn in the ratings (might be something more to do with the personality (or lack there of) of the host, Spew Hackman).

Go Ellen, go Ellen, go Ellen!

That said, I think that some categories have two stand outs, which may ­rather ironically ­- split the vote and allow a Steven Bradbury-esque performance to transpire. Or at least I can wish.

Now, firstly a few points of irritation regarding the Academy’s glaring omissions.

1. Why the feck were The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road and The Wrestler all left off the Best Picture nomination list? And what about Wall-E? Defamer thought it would be a two-horse race between Wall-E and T.D.K. – sorry, but you could not have been further from the truth. Much to the collective dismay of all and sundry.

2. Why the feck was Clint Eastwood snubbed for the chance of a Best Actor gong for Gran Torino? Unbelievable! I suspect that Ken Bruce was involved. And Franco Cozzo. Perhaps even Frank Walker?

3. Why the feck (you are seeing the pattern here, right?) was Chris Nolan left off the Best Director list? The Dark Knight IMHO was beautifully directed. Hollywood - you have a lot to answer for. Nolan is DESERVING. Is there a cataclysmic tear in the space-time continuum that I don’t know about?

What are you insinuating there?

What does warm my cold little heart is that Kate Winslet is more than likely to be the recipient of a gold statue for Best Actress for the very first time. It's hard to believe that not one of her previous performances – particularly, Titanic and Eternal Sunshine... – have been duly recognised for what they are – Oscar-winning! Helen Sea-Hunt and Hilary Skank-Whore saw to it that Kate walked away empty handed, respectively.

But not this time, the lovely Kate will triumph over adversity. She will beat the pants off the two buxom brunettes:

Not without visual appeal

And nudge out the two vivacious veterans:

Insert pithy, jocular comment here...

To become the WINNER:

It’s all so easy for you to say

Time will tell. It always does. Telling time, on the other hand. That's a different story.

Now to the other categories. My tips are underlined. Who I want to win are in italics.

Best actor
· Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor” (Overture Films)
· Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon” (Universal)
· Sean Penn in “Milk” (Focus Features)
· Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
· Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight) (CLINT, CLINT!!)

Best supporting actor
· Josh Brolin in “Milk” (Focus Features)
· Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder” (DreamWorks, Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
· Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight” (Warner Bros.)
· Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage)

Best supporting actress
· Amy Adams in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (The Weinstein Company)
· Viola Davis in “Doubt” (Miramax)
· Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
· Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler” (Fox Searchlight)

Best director
· “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Fincher
· “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), Ron Howard (well not really, the LGG should go to Nolan)
· “Milk” (Focus Features), Gus Van Sant
· “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), Stephen Daldry
· “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), Danny Boyle

Best picture
· “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Paramount and Warner Bros.), A Kennedy/Marshall Production, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
· “Frost/Nixon” (Universal), A Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment and Working Title Production, Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers
· “Milk” (Focus Features), A Groundswell and Jinks/Cohen Company Production, Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers (should be the THE DARK KNIGHT but amongst this drivel, I choose calcium)
· “The Reader” (The Weinstein Company), A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Anthony Minghella, Sydney Pollack, Donna Gigliotti and Redmond Morris, Producers
· “Slumdog Millionaire” (Fox Searchlight), A Celador Films Production, Christian Colson, Producer

----------------------------

* Lies, all lies.