Storm clouds are approaching for The Barometer.

Joel Fitzgibbon. A jovial, affable kind of guy. A good bloke. But a savvy politician? Well, the proof (or lack thereof) is in the HoR members' interest register pudding.

Proof you say? A bottle of 40% overproof please.

Even before the 2 x free stuff for kids members scandal, Joel had the world's worst poker face. Lady GaGa would turn in her grave if she was dead.

When Ruddski lands the proverbial punch during Question Time, Fitzy - in full eyeshot over KRudd's right shoulder - smirks openly after a brief two seconds of holding in his chortle. On the other hand, if Turnbull twists the knife in tight, Joel practically curls up in the foetal position and starts to rock back and forth. Hence his nickname - as coined by the late and oh-I-miss-you-so-much-and-things-are-not-the-same-reading-the-Oz-without-The-Sketch, Matt Price - The Barometer:

Change is a-coming for the man in the seat of Hunter

He's certainly offered oodles of colour and movement of late - except, unfortunately for him, the colour is Chinese blood-red, the movement upside down and backwards through the NIB expense account.

Happy Birthday Helen - oh whooooooaaaaaaaa oh whooooooooooaaaaaa

And

Brotherly love gone too far.

A slap on the wrist for the first time. But for the second error? I don't think Rudd's 'not happy Joel' is going to cut it. It's only a matter of time before Julie Bishop or some other Liberal dope finds out about the 3rd, 4th or nth transgression.

I think it's time that The Barometer started packing his bag. I think if he walks out the door of his own volition he will save what's left of his pretty little poker face.

And it's a shame. He has come a long way (baby). He has wiped his hands kinda clean of being the evil bastard that helped put the boot to Kim 'no ticker' Beazley to let then BFF Mark 'ease the squeeze' Latham to take the Labor mantle in 2003. And he even managed to avoid the avalanche as Latham's house of cards came tumbling down in early 2005.

Oh well. Next!

As big as Ben Cousins

Benny old boy. You did a bad, bad thing.

Richmond footy "star", recovering drug addict and international ambassador for fuckwits, Ben Cousins, was undoubtedly THE hottest topic on Sunday morning. He was on the television, in the papers and on the radio. And what journalistic gold has surfaced in relation to his latest exploits.

Here are some poignant extracts from the man himself where he notes his act was not a hortatory message for the youth of today nor was it a paroxysmal act of rage against the Weagles but more a funny haha for a man in a van:

"I wasn't angry. I wasn't frustrated. It wasn't a message to the world. In no way did I think the footage was going to air. If nothing else, I thought someone on the end of the camera in a van outside the ground might have got a chuckle out of it. Obviously others saw it differently.

He goes on to say that there are bigger issues in the world than his middle finger and that even Nanna has a penchant for flipping off when the situation warrants:

"There is a recession going on, people are under enormous pressure to pay off mortgages and, indeed, are losing jobs. If people are upset or concerned about what I did, then I wonder where we are headed as a society. To be honest, I was surprised it went to air. Maybe it was a little naive on my behalf considering my situation. But I expected the 'van man' to laugh and move on, not alert everyone at the channel. Within our family we all do it to each other as a joke gesture. I've even seen my grandmother do it.

Two observations: (1) Recession was appropriately used instead of GFC. Props for not confusing his readership that the Geelong Football Club's 'going on' was important to him in any way shape or form. (2) Wondering where we are headed as a society, hey? Yes I too wonder, particularly after learning of your septuagenarian grandmother's inclination to send out the occasional 'up yours'. Oh where, oh where will the seemingly nebulous, ever-shifting boundaries of bad taste lead us Grandma Cousins?

Around 18 months ago, Ben whipped up a similar frisson of astonishment and freneticism. Recall on 1 November 2007 Ben had reportedly gone AWOL in Malibu, never quite making it to the rehab centre where he was to recommence his treatment for his ongoing bothersome addictions to ice (ice baby) and to just generally being irresistibly attractive to both sexes.


When 'missing' his friend was quoted as saying:

"No one has any idea where he is... He's got everyone freaking out because LA's not a good place to be out doing what he may be doing..."

Two observations: (1) "what he may be doing" was a fascinating yet incongruous use of hypothesis given Ben's recent history. (2) IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO BE DOING IT? Ben simply seized an opportunity in the most exciting adult playground on Earth, as you bloody well would, wouldn't you? Good on him. And they say it never snows in Hollywood! (boom boom chhhh... not to be confused with chk chk boom - although Clare and Ben would make a fine couple, wouldn't they?)

Fin.

Loveable lookalikes.

Batteries and microwave not included

Show us your plumbing

It's over.

Congratulations to me, myself and aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!


I have trekked the long hard road out of hell. Although the end was a bit of a fizzer. You know, it's like I've been pregnant (got a bit fatter, became a walking ache factory and I certainly didn't drink much during) and then out comes... not a baby, not an alien but a gigantic puff of air --- that's right, nothing, nada, zip, zero.

But I'm a grinner. I'm a winner. Once the fiscal freeze is lifted, I shall become an utter sybarite. Drinking the juices of the Earth at every opportunity.

And this little kid in the red hat is also a winner.

More exciting stuff to come in the next few days. WATCH THIS SPACE.

What grinds my gears #6 - the Numa Numa man

Ma-ai-hii, ma-ai-huu, ma-ai-hoo, ma-ai-haha.



Well it's not true. I secretly love him dearly but if WSO doesn't stop impersonating him whilst I am trying to do this staff paper, I shall firmly thrust this USB stick into his eyeball.

In the Numanian man's calendar, every day is filled with joy and ma-ai-ness. Add to that an open mouthed quotient of infinity, and you've got all the makings of a veritable classic.

Over the course of the short one minute and thirty eight seconds the Numa Numa man's happiness is unveiled. And it is every bit as compelling and richly textured as Bach's Fuga a 5 voci, just to take but one example.

In hues of delight, wonder and rapture as any work in the Shakespearean-esque oeuvre is executed, we are drawn to the Numa Numa man. We grow to love him with the abandon of Jo Beth Taylor wrestling playfully with a handsome stranger in the Crown carpark, with the obsessive commitment Jennifer Jason Leigh showed to mimicking Bridget Fonda's every move circa 1992 or with the mad blood lust like ways of Billy Zane just three years earlier when presented with Nicole Kidman's mound of ginga goodness.

Now back to work Kid A!

An ode to the fiscally conservative

No. This is not a rant about contractionary fiscal policy.

This is a tribute to a man. A man who likes to save a coin like no one else I know. A man who challenges himself on a daily basis to keep his $ in his savings account and not let it escape to another place - like in a cash register at a clothing store or in the plate at church on Sunday or anywhere else you could think of putting some spare cash...

I'm worthy of some coin.

I would argue along similar lines.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked now...

Oh yes, today's story goes as follows.

Picture this - walk in to the foyer of my building and I'm already feeling the Monday FAIL. I get into the lift and see the man of the hour. Conservation goes along the following lines:

Kid A: That suitcase is quite spiffy TA.

TA: I know. Samsonite is a really good brand. They can certainly make a robust briefcase.

Kid A: Yeah it is a good brand. It's always used in movie scenes when people handcuff their wrists to suitcases. Hehehehe.

TA: Mmmm. So anyway, I got it at Daimaru.

*makes puppy dog eyes which suggests that I should ask how much he paid for it*

Kid A: Oh wow - so you've had it for awhile then.

TA: Yeah it was 75% off in 2001 or 2002 at the closing down sale.

Kid A: Bargain!

TA: Oh yes, I wouldn't have got it if it was full price. I never pay full price.

Kid A: Yeah I only get out of bed for 30% off.

TA: Mmmm. So anyway, I'll show you some of my favourite features.

Kid A: Yes, please do.

TA: Look if you open it vertical, it is like a compendium for files and the like. And horizontal, it is a briefcase.

*Ping*

"Level 35"

Kid A: I would love to hear more about this fabulous suitcase but I must head off now. Bye TA.

TA: Bye Kid A.

As far as this purchase goes, it is another in a long history of cheap skate-ness. This is the guy who put together a bike for his wife for $8 from Pick-A-Part parts, the guy who got married in the Registry Office as it was the most cost-effective option, the guy who bought 10 slabs of Pepsi Max at Campbell's Cash N Carry for $50 and had it in his office for a little over a year...

I wonder what it would be like to have such discipline?

What grinds my gears #5 - the wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man

If I see just one more of these things, I will slit my wrists with a cheese grater. An exceptionally slow and painful death.

These WWAFT man has the following entirely (not so) useful purposes:

Show your neighbours that you have a freakish fetish for soft oh so squishy latex

Be a body double for Mel Gibson in the movie Signs

Get your party guests psyched for the d-floor

Fill in for you when you are giving a presentation on budget increases or something that requires upward hand movements

Hate them, hate them, hate them.

And why didn't Carlton win for Pratt? Hate them too.

And the KFC I ate for lunch is not only smeared all over my keyboard (yuck), it has had some untoward effects in the liquidity department (imodium may be the answer here). Hate that too.

The only thing not hated right at the moment is .... ummmmmmm.... ?