As they say in the classics

To honour the genre that brought us air guitar, hotel room trashing and headless bats, the team at Idol brought in sister-girlfriend’s son-in-law, Kirk Pengilly from INXS.

Tim Farriss also showed up to help the Idols at rehearsals but spent most of the time having hallucinatory acid flashbacks. Ironically, this meant his advice to the Idols was nothing short of sound.

Despite this, rock night was about as edgy as my nana in her oversized Fosseys’ nighty.

The best dish at the Rock and Roll pie shop:

I like my sauce on the side.

The Top 8 performances were generally woeful with three notable exceptions. Come on team! We are at the stage of the competition where greatness is needed/demanded/required. We need a Cosima pre-throat nodules rendition of ‘When the War is Over’. We require a Callea orgasmic delivery of the ‘The Prayer’. We demand a Bobby Flynn dulcet toned ‘Superfreak’.

There are some that are capable of said greatness (Wes, Spanno, Chrislyn and Roshani), the rest are sadly lacking.

8. Thanh Bui

This man just does not have the pipes. Even to belt out the Linkin Park, uber soft core Shadow of the Day, I felt like I was listening to this from under the sea. Henceforth, I am convinced that he must mime into the mike and John Foreman sneaks backstage to press play on the tape that was taped from a tape on some dodgy Sanyo tape player from 1986. Either that or is there is an invisible tunnel between his mouth and the microphone.

Being noi-vous ain’t no excuse. Indeed, even if he summoned up the verbal capacity to tell Australia what that excuse could be--as Kyle quite rightly pointed out--no one cares.

*runs off to finish Engineering homework*

7. Sophie Paterson

The problem with this performance was one that was present from the get-go. Everyone loves this song (Ana included) so Soph couldn't help but stand in the shadow of the great Daniel Johns. Even with some sort of degree of difficulty measure thrown in, this was a bit of a mess. Soph seemed to revert to her ol' I-am-in-dire-need-of-elocution-lessons self. Kyle seems to be tricked by those faux sensitivities, even telling Soph she is the thinking person’s crumpet! Soph is currently in a meeting workshopping her message to Australia.

*holds breath*

6. Teale "Jabba the Hutt" Denko
Surprisingly shunning his innate animal attraction to singing something naff and homegrown, like Craig McLachlan’s Hey Mona, Jabba delivered an almost pitch perfect rendition of Slide.

Was it just me or did everyone start looking around nervously thinking how they could they have possibly stepped into an elevator without noticing?!? Yawn!

Aunty Marcia asked Jabba to use the sex. Kyle told him he looked like a pre-public toilet George Michael. Talk about mixed messages!

I’m sorry but Teale has about as much sex appeal as the Poky Little Puppy.

5. The Shearer

While Thanh needs to pump up the volume, Luke needs to drop a decibel or two. It’s a case of all or nothing with LD. One dimensional. Given that's two less than three so SFK's “I’m not satisfied, I want something more!” would need to be multiplied by 2 factorial.

What? Exactly.

Still this was a bit tooooo good for my liking...

4. Chrislyn Hamilton
This performance brought another fine display of Marcia-isms: “You are a singer."

This comment only topped by the all-time favourite from a few seasons ago: "Your head just opened up; notes came out. What more can I say."

Indeed, her regular comment brought out at least once per season is not particularly shabby either: “(Insert name here), you know what you just did. That's all I've got to say to you.”

Now that we have established that Chrislyn is indeed a singer, we can move on. She was looking a bit spesh with all that pretty make up. However, I’m sure if we examined that vest more closely we would see a faintly stiched ‘Lassiter's Hotel’ on the side.

Anyway, how's the treadmill been treating you CH?

3. Roshani Priddis
Euphonious is the word to describe this girl. It is a large word. You might need to google it. This sister-girlfriend takes the risks each week and they tend to pay off. Sadly, the mid song pelvic thrust on the mini stage in front of the judges was met with no comment. I guess the pelvic thrust substituted for the obligatory mid‑song squat that the Roshy Shoshy usually cobbles together. But the clothes… WTF?

2. Mark ‘I’m f*king the make up artist’ Spanner

Clearly an ode to the burning itch in his pants, Spanno belted out Sex on Fire like he meant it. Yeah. Also of interest were the scary, squinty eyes showing that not only can Spanno sing but is also well versed in mediumship. Allison Du Bois eat your heart out.

1. The Bomb
Remodelling the jacket from the cover of Sgt. Peppers’ was our favourite, Wes Carr. Who bears a somewhat striking resemblance to the lion from the Wizard of Oz:

Anyway...

Carr put more punch in Desire than Rocky V. And the use of the harmonica was just magical in that Bruce McAvaney way. Now that's what I'm talking about!