Numero uno de Estados Unidos.

This week we celebrated the cream of the crop from the sweet land of Liberty. American No 1's.

Chris Isaak was this week's guest host. Described as someone who does not follow trends, but someone who creates them... well I must say that this broad generalisation is true if you couch it in terms of adorning oneself in backwards facing dominoes.

It is worth the squint to see the black domino jacket.

This year's winner star performer was up first. Wes Carr. While he has already ruled out singing Born to Run given his Dancin' in the Dark effort for 80s night, he did sing an equally challenging rock song - When You Were Young. And wasn't he just (insert positive polysyllabic adjective here)? Chris invited him to wine and dine and 69 with him and the Killers producer. Just say gourmet!

Would you like more jus with that?

Next up was Jabba, who as they say, could bring tears to the most dried out glass eye. Jabba took off before the starting gun had fired -- a common problem. But he did find his situation hilarious, which was refreshing, given he is a fairly solid wooden performer. No Such Thing - well, the falsetto was quite brilliant in the chorus but, on the whole, it was more shopping centre than Seymour Centre.

What do you mean I'm wooden?

Then it was Spanner Man - how many times can you start off sitting on the step, you slack f&*k? - who sang Chris Isaak's Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing. Then he stood up and proceeded to do a whirlpool on stage - the camera followed, giving everyone at home a bout of vertigo. Well yes it was pretty good but the sprays of ladyjuice were coming a bit too thick and fast from the judges - keep it in your pants!

I feel sick.

Last up was Shearer. He had visited the Wizard of Oz during the week to ask for some hair advice. The devilish pointer beard has gone bye-bye. This was a piece of drivel. I can't even remember the song - some Christian band piece... blurgh blurgh blah blah.

You forgot to ask for some style.

Wes take 2. The Marcia-God's acid had kicked in by this stage as she gushed: "You know what I'm going to say about getting it, you just get it." Exactly. Can I just say that the tie was fantastic? Love it. But I do think you look quite like the English Springer Spaniel that I want to get in early '09...

Awwwwww so cute

Teale looked like JT when he walks into a magic mirrors hall... a lot shorter, a lot wider. And the wooden sway has turned into a cheesy swagger. Kyle shook his tush and we all vomited. I have mentally blocked most of this 3 minutes out.

This picture is to scale.

Spanish then sung Everybody Hurts. God this was good. As Marcia-God says: I have nothing to say.

Astronomical nothingness.

Shearer capped off the show with a performance that was just schiezenhausen. His t-shirt looked like Skeletor wearing a Guns N Roses hat, which did not match the song. Only a cardigan clad octogenarian would have enjoyed this.

Apply alcohol liberally.

Bottom 2 = Shearer and Jabba with a so long to Shearer. And can I just say I really don't like his soft side, he needs to HTFU:


Amen.